So today has been interesting on several levels. You see, this morning, I did things differently (which, if you know any autistic person, deviating from routine is the cause of at times extreme stress). I was running a little late, so I didn't make a full breakfast (I usually have an egg on toast, but I skipped the egg).
It may not sound like a big deal, but every other time I have done this, it either has occurred with advance warning, accompanied by a great deal of anxiety, or both. But today, I was fine. I felt... chill. This could be because I have a light load today, compared to the rest of the week. I knew I could come home in a few hours for lunch. But still, even knowing that, I'm not usually so calm about this. It could be because I've had a really good weekend. I finished my homework by Friday afternoon, and I spent the rest of the weekend doing things that made me happy: I drew, cleaned my room (there is space! And my clothes are organized in a way I've never tried before, which might actually work this time), wrote a bunch, drew some more (I mainly drew all weekend, actually. My eyes really hurt after staring at my computer screen so intensely for so long... but they should be fine, eventually).
My top theory, though, which I really hope has something to do with it, and isn't a fluke, is that I discovered four pillows randomly cleaning my room (seriously, I don't know how they were hiding for so long), and I slept with them piled on top of me. I've heard of people doing that before, but I'd never tried it. I know I like heavy things on top of me, which is a common autistic thing, but I never tried sleeping like that. So, when I woke up in the morning, I didn't feel extremely different, but it was nice. The following low stress period lasted until well after I got home from school. In fact, I didn't notice I was stressed again until after I went back to drawing and my eyes started hurting.
So, on to part B of my day. I feel like it wasn't exactly my eyes that were hurting. It was more like I was tired of seeing, and growing more and more irritable the longer I had to do so. I haven't ever noticed it being that extreme for me, but I rarely stare that intensely at my computer screen. When I've drawn in the past, it's always been on paper. There was no glare, no glowing to speak of. But this time, I was using my new drawing tablet, and I spent, at a minimum, 2-3 hours a day on this project, for four days in a row. So, it makes sense that my eyes are tired. But sitting here in my room, everything was so bright, and so loud (my mom was cleaning the carpet in the next room, and the TV was blaring in the living room) and the cleaner my mom was using had a POWERFUL smell, which was drifting into my room as well. And then someone came and asked me to do a large, difficult task, while I was in the middle of a different, confusing and complicated task. So, any sense of calm and peacefulness I had before was completely gone.
Now, after having a conversation with someone, where I thought I was perfectly calm and neutral, but I actually sounded very stressed/annoyed, I went back to my room, turned the lights down low, and used my huge headphones to play music softly. I probably shouldn't be sitting at my computer right now, but I have the screen turned dim, and I'm typing half of this with my eyes closed. I'm already feeling better: I don't hear anything past my headphones, or smell anything, and my eyes are starting to feel better.
I guess I'm writing this because this is the first time I've been on serious sensory overload since I started learning about autism. I don't remember having any extreme experiences with things being to loud or bright. I only remember that over and over again, I would lock myself in a dark, quiet room, wishing that the rest of the world would go away. I never mentally registered that my stress was coming from (or being aggravated by) over stimulation It was just a natural reaction to something that was causing me pain--get away from it, as thoroughly as I possibly could. You could be asking why this is a big deal, to know this. It's the difference between having a gut reaction, and knowing the source of my stress. When I know what causes me stress, I can know how to avoid it, or prepare for it in advance (for instance, if I were to go to a concert or something), or to counteract it. Instead of locking myself in a closet, and feeling guilty because I should be doing something constructive (and because normal people don't feel good when they're in complete darkness), I can do what I'm doing now, sitting at my computer with sunglasses on.
Now I can feel guilt free when I really do need to take a break from the world, and I can know how to do it the most effective way. Being able to do this is one of the great things about knowing I'm autistic: I can scientifically analyze what's going on, why I'm struggling or in pain, and also being able to take better advantage of what makes me feel good, such as sleeping under a pile of pillows.
Speaking of, if it seems to be helping me, I'm buying more pillows.
Penny
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