Life is hard.

Warning: negative-ish post ahead.  With some less negativeness mixed in.

I've got a lot on my plate.  Between work, school, home obligations, preparing for moving out to a new school next semester, and my incessant need to start ridiculous projects that I really don't have time for, but make me happy, I have no time to breathe.  My friends keep asking me to spend time with them, but I tell them I can't, which adds more stress, because I feel guilty for turning them down.  I've got several big projects, and one huge one, that I've been slaving over for months, and getting nowhere on.  The first draft of The Project is due tomorrow, and the actual presentation is due a week from tomorrow.  I've literally locked myself in my room for hours after school, every single day, working on this things for weeks now.  And it's not only not done, it looks like I've barely even started.

Today, I got home from another long day at school, sat down at my desk, and started working on my homework.  Five minutes later I was bawling, and after that, all I could do was sit and knit for at least an hour.  I only stopped because I discovered that my yarn was the wrong color, and I realized I couldn't even do that right.

I'm having a breakdown.  Seriously.  Okay, not seriously.  I don't know what a mental breakdown feels like it, but I know I've been through worse.  Much, much worse.  But I've come to the point where I care so much that I can't care anymore.  I can't stand the thought of failure, but I can't handle even trying, and that--that--is what scares me the most.  I'm used to being the kid that is ridiculously stubborn.  Who does things that other people find impossible, who will not, cannot accept anything less than absolute brilliance.  Getting an A in my classes is the standard.  Walking through Hell with a smile, or at least a blank face, is the definition of my childhood.

Standing around going "oh, well, I guess I'll just quit" feels like stabbing myself in the stomach.  It takes actual effort to do nothing whatsoever.

So, I'm going to assume that this is just a phase.  Granted, I was never very good at managing my stress, but I recently found out that my thyroid medication is at an incorrect dosage, and I haven't had a chance to get it readjusted just yet.  So that doesn't help me much right now.

I really don't know what to do.  Accepting anything less than an A++ on a homework assignment feels like defeat, and in my mind, I am absolutely certain that tomorrow my professor is going to look at The Project and ask me questions that I've never heard before like "Is this all you've done?" or "Why didn't you come to me sooner?  I could have helped you." or "You call yourself a musician?" and  "What are you even doing in my class, you should be off flipping burgers somewhere."  It's disheartening.  The only light at the end of the tunnel is this: in about a month, the class will be over, succeed or fail, and I won't have to think about it anymore.  I'll get about half a month off to stress out about Christmas and work on transferring to my new school, but it shouldn't ("shouldn't") be this stressful.  Plus, I'll have my thyroid medication adjusted by then.  But I won't have to worry about The Project anymore.  Then.

But it it is not then now.  It never is, though, is it?

Anyway, to sum up: I am depressed, and have been running on about %5 energy for the past month.  I'm not sure why exactly I needed to write this.  I know I said in (probably) my last post that I wasn't going to post any of the depressing or boring stuff, but here I am doing it.  I guess it's because I need to tell someone about my burdens, and also, I feel guilty for not writing in such a long time.

But here's the thing: I still have time for God.  I to go to church.  I've been making a point to read my scriptures every morning. I've even let my friends talk me into to joining them at institute (scripture study class for young, single adults).  I'm always afraid of offending people by saying this (which is ridiculous), but I'm a religious nut, and relying on a higher power is the only reason I've made it this far.  And last week, at institute, we were discussing Emma Smith, (the wife of Joseph Smith) (I'm Mormon, if I didn't mention this before, I can't remember), who was an incredible woman, for the record.  

At the end of class, we had a list of qualities that she inspired, and the teacher suggested to us that we pick one to work on for the week.  The one that stuck out to me was "No fear."  Not being fearless, necessarily, but letting faith lead our actions, instead of fear.  And that's a big deal to me.  I've got a lot of faith.  But when things get tough (like right now) I go into panic mode.  I forget all the times when things looked like the whole world was going to end, and then it didn't.  I forget how many ways the Lord has helped me through difficult periods, and given me answers I needed, and put people in my path at exactly the right times.  It's a human thing to do, I suppose.

And I've been doing better.  Aside from my mini breakdown, I've actually been doing a lot better lately.  I'm capable of considering the fact that if I don't do absolutely awesome on The Project, it's not the end of the world.  In fact, I transferred all my credits to my new school last semester, so technically this semester doesn't count (unless I go through the process again).  I could totally flunk, and it won't count.  It's a freebie, really.

Dude, this is totally a freebie.  What the heck have I been stressing about?  If I screw up, I can retake this class in the spring, no harm no foul (and I'll ace the class, because I already know all the material).

I actually feel a lot calmer now.  I think I can go back to working on it, and maybe I'll do a better job at it, because I'm not panicking nearly as much as before.  Maybe this really was a good idea, to come and whine (somewhat) on the internet.  Thanks, internet!

Later, gators.
Penny