Wow. It was not exactly what I expected. He didn't say "And how does that make you feel?" even once, for starters. He asked me a lot of questions about myself (obviously), but about my family, too. Which, I've never had anyone ask me questions about my family that didn't involved what they did for a living. He asked me if there was as lot of structure in my household growing up, if I had a lot of rules to follow, or if I wasn't really in control of my life. I realized that it was actually just the opposite. My parents mostly left me alone: I didn't have a curfew, or even a bedtime. I didn't have regular chores (although we had to keep the house clean sometimes). I very rarely had school assignments, and I never had homework.
I guess that requires some clarification: I was homeschooled. I was reluctant to say anything about it on here, because I do not, for one second, want anyone to think that my social anxiety is a direct consequence of being homeschooled. I have no way to tell if it was or not. But I do know that my brother and my little sister were both homeschooled just as long as I was, and they have no problem socializing. My sister goes crazy if she can't see her friends every day, and my brother is always hanging out with people (well, when he was living at home, anyway. I assume he does the same thing elsewhere).
I'm not saying being homeschooled didn't have any affect at all on my psychological status, to the contrary. I think that in general, I'm a lot nicer, a lot more open to new ideas, and a lot more interested in learning things than people who went to public school. I don't have any science to base that on, obviously, so I don't normally say stuff like that to people. I just don't tell them stuff about my past (unless I was specifically asked) and let them base their opinion on me, and not their preconceived notions.
Anyway, there were only two times in our session that I felt disturbed or angry at all, and the first time was when he asked me if I thought that my being homeschooled was the reason I had a hard time in social situations. I kind of flustered at that, because, yeah, everybody makes that conclusion, and sure, maybe it is true in my case specifically. But for some reason, I felt like he was telling me "you should go back in time, and re-do it, changing everything you ever knew about yourself, so that you can have an easier time making friends." Which is ridiculous: you can't go back in time. You can't change the past. I said whatever I could to try and back away from that territory, but what I really wanted to say is: "I don't know. I don't know how different I would be if I went to public school. Maybe I would be better or worse, stronger or weaker, smarter or dumber, I don't know. But you can't change the past. And I wouldn't want to. I am who I am. I have my own set of problems, and if I did it differently back then, then I would have a different set of problems. What I want, now, is to deal with the problems I do have, and not waste time wondering 'what could have been'."
He probably wasn't going there at all. I'm sure he wasn't trying to insult me, or distress me. He was just trying to get a better idea of who I am, and get to the base of what might be causing the problems I have now. And despite that little thing, I actually really liked our session. It felt strange, yet liberating, to sit down in front of a person who had never met me or anyone I knew, had no previous opinions about me or who I was, and then do the best I could to tell him exactly who I am. Not who I wanted him or anyone else to think I was. I said things that I've never said to anyone, not even my family, about who I think I am, and how I see myself. I guess it's because I feel like I'm not allowed to boast, therefore I'm not allowed to tell people good things about myself, but I'm not allowed to complain, so I can't tell people bad things, either. Normally I keep things general and neutral, even with close family members, a lot of the time.
It was a little hard sometimes, because I knew how crazy I sounded, or cocky about some things. But most of the time, I didn't feel like he was judging me, he was just listening, processing.
There was another part that bugged me, though, was when he asked me (more than once, in fact) why I thought I needed therapy. I told him the reason I was "forced" to sign up, and he was confused because he didn't see how the ones who led me to it would get the idea that I needed therapy. He even said that he didn't see why I needed therapy at all. I tried to explain it some more, about how it distressed me, and got in the way of my life. I felt like I was trying to make my situation sound worse than it was, just so that I could get attention or something.
This is the reason why I never told anyone about it before, was because if I told someone, then obviously was only doing it for attention, therefore I was making it up, and making my own life harder on purpose. So, if I decided to never, ever tell anyone (and really stuck to it), then that was the only way to know that it was real. So, having him "challenge" me like that, and do it more than once, was actually painful. I started doubting myself, thinking that I really had done all of this on purpose, just to get attention. Never mind that I fought it tooth and nail for twenty-two years.
I hate how emo I sound, talking about my "pain and suffering" online, in therapy, to my family. I feel like I come off too dark and pointless. I do have happiness. I do like my life. I have fun, I have light, and I have a lot of things to write about that are happy. I just write them somewhere else. This is actually the first time I have been so thorough and up-front about this half of me, and so it's kind of a pity-party binge, for now. Hopefully, I'll lighten up as the blog continues, but I feel like I need to go into great detail, because, as a writer, other writers may want to know exactly what it's like inside my head. Example: for a scene in one of my stories, I wanted to know what it was like to be shot (with bullets, not a needle. I know what the second one's like). But everywhere I looked, it just wasn't detailed enough. People would say "it hurt a lot," or, even worse, "it felt like I had been shot." I just know that someday, some author will want to write a character who has OCD, or anxiety, and will get all these scientific or medical journals, like I did, coldly describing the scientific symptoms of this disorder. And then, they'll find me. Maybe I'll be helpful, maybe I won't, but it'll be here. Maybe I'll spark some creativity in them, and they'll write an award-winning novel, that reaches into people's hearts and changes them unexpectedly (can you tell I've thought about this?).
I know I held some things back. Too many years telling myself to bury it, suck it up, but never, ever let someone know about it. But I told more than I thought I would, which surprised me. I think this really could help me (just as long as I don't continue to feel like I need to defend myself, and my 'illness'). I already feel a little better, and he didn't even start to give me advice or guidance.
I even impressed him with one of my insights: when I was a teenager, and some new people came through, I saw how shy and nervous they were. I realized that they were in the place I had always been when I went to a new place, and that I stayed that way, until somebody stepped out of their shell and introduce themselves to me. I realized that for the first time, I was on the other side, and I knew what I had to do. I didn't, but I realized that maybe I wasn't the only one in the world who might be shy or nervous about meeting other people. After that, on the rare occasions that I felt the need to socialize with people, I just switched our roles, and pretended they were the ones who were afraid of me, instead of the other way around. When I said this, he was surprised and impressed, like he couldn't believe I would have that great of an insight. I never thought it was impressive. Now that I think about it, maybe that way of thinking was the reason he thought I didn't need therapy.
But we'll see how it goes. I have to wait a couple of days before I schedule the next appointment, but I do want to talk to him again. Maybe just having someone to talk to (especially if I have to pay him to listen) is enough. Like I said, I'm already starting feel better. Here's to therapy!
Penny
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