So... I did it. I finally did it. I talked to my dad about autism. We were driving on our way to church, and I finally just asked him "what do you know about autism?" I didn't say anything else, and I don't know if my mom had mentioned anything to him about our earlier conversation. He said he didn't know much, just that they had trouble with relationships, and for them, some things are hard, that most people find easy, and some things are easy, that people find hard. Honestly, that's more than I knew about it two weeks ago, so it's fair enough.
So I elaborated a little, explaining that people with autism either had hyper- or hyposensitivity. That for "them," sight, smell, taste, texture, it was all more intense for them than for neurotypical people, which is the reason why they had trouble with connecting with people, because they get overwhelmed by all of everything, and they had a hard time picking up on subtle cues. I realize this is extremely truncated, but I was nervous, and I didn't want to over-load him before I dropped "the big one". All along, I was speaking in a light, but precise tone, careful not to convey how nervous I was, or how hard it was just bringing it up. Then I explained how, a week ago, I started doing some research, and I realized that I was autistic. I quickly went on to tell him how I was "on cloud nine," because finally everything makes sense, why I had such a hard thing with things that were "supposed" to be easy. I told him how I've been doing a lot of reading, about the difference between the way Aspies and NTs think, and I told him that knowing that has already started helping me better communicate with the people around me. I thought that was a nice touch, because I don't know that he would like to hear that there was anything "wrong" with his daughter, and maybe he might prefer that I just ignore a diagnosis, and continue to work at being "normal". (I don't know this for a fact, but I'm paranoid by nature, and on top of that, I have a very hard time telling people that I'm having a hard time)
He didn't say anything, he just listened. I don't know if he even had anything to say, but I didn't stop talking long enough to give him the chance. The drive to church is very short, and I knew I had to get a complete palate of thought before we were silenced for the service.
Now that we're back at home, and we've been settled for the evening, he hasn't asked me any questions about it, but I've started expressing things here and there which I normally would have kept to myself. Jokes about Aspies, and for Aspies, for one. My dad loves humor, and joking about something helps him better understand and accept a situation. Once again, he hasn't shown any distress, or confusion, about what I've told him so far, so I don't know how he's "taking it," but I want to be sure that he understands who I am, and what I'm going through. Then my mom starts reading a quote from Look Me In the Eye, where John Elder talks about tricking a room full of people into believing that he worked as a garbage man. I then clarified that it was extremely rare for an Aspie to be able to lie: for the rest of us, we literally can not lie. It is painful, even to think about deceiving someone. They nodded and said that made sense.
Still, no one has asked me about Asperger's or Autism yet. It is not in my nature to offer up personal details, unless directly asked, and even then, I usually keep it to the most general and short response as possible. So, randomly mentioning aspects of my psyche like this is not normal, and it takes a great deal of guts to bring it up, not to mention the best of my acting ability to keep it light, casual, and normal-sounding as possible. It could be that this does not affect my family at all, and I am putting all of this worry and fear into nothing. I know that my family loves me, and I know, that they know, that I'm pretty weird. But I have spent my life, doing the best I could to hide anything that was "weird" about me, even from my family. So I doubt that they even know half of it. Granted, they sometimes surprise me with the things that they notice, so I could be far more oblivious of them than I assume they are of me. So, I'm gonna keep working on "being myself" around them, and being more forthright about who I am, exactly.
And, I've also been doing some exploring. I joined up at wrongplanet.net, using the name PennySings (and I changed the name of my blog! I thought pennysings.blogspot.com sounded a lot better than pennyocdont.blogspot.com, especially now that I'm bringing the attention away from OCD and on to autism. Plus, I like the ring of it), and started looking around. It's really weird, to be able to say whatever I want, however I want, without worrying about people being offended or thinking I was a pompous know-it-all. I mean, I don't believe I said anything cruel or mean, but normally, when I post something on the internet, I read it and re-read it at least three times, watering it down until it's as sweet and unassuming as possible. Probably about seventy percent of the comments I write online ends up getting deleted. This time I only read it once, just to check for spelling errors and continuity. It's scary and liberating at the same time. I hope I get to better get to know other people of my "species" (seriously, I was just saying the other day how we're actually aliens, and here I am, stumbling across Wrong Planet, it's absolutely perfect, I tell you!). I even found an amazing blog series that I just love, and I'm going to get my parents to read it. It's a lot easier to point them to already written material (much of which is very well expressed) than to try and tell them myself, or to show them what I've written. I've been going back and forth about whether or not I should show them this blog. Part of me feels like they would really like to see it, but part of the reason I can express myself like this, is because no one I know is reading it. Seriously. I've got a fake name, and I haven't sent this to anyone I know. If someone I knew were to stumble across it, I don't know that they'd know who I was (this could be extreme oversight on my part. Despite my paranoia, I think I still underestimate people sometimes). So I'm completely free to say whatever comes to mind. Maybe one day I won't mind anymore, but we'll see.
Just for fun, I'd like to plug in something random here. The more I learn about autism, the more I start projecting those aspects onto people and characters I know. I am constantly wondering if other members of my immediate family have Asperger's as well (and that is another reason I've started feeding them information on it, to see if they have an "aha" moment, like I did). And I've started reaching for characters in books, movies, and TV. Today's suspect is Parker, from the TV show Leverage. She has difficulty with social situations, she is obsessive and a master in her special interests, and she's just plain weird. She's awesome. I would say she's my favorite character in the show, but I'm a huge fan of Eliot and Hardison, too. So basically, the whole cast is awesome.
So, on that note,
Penny
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