So, apparently people aren't really interested in reading about Russia. In hindsight, since most of my readers are from Russia, they already know all about it. As for everyone else: shame on you for not being as culturally open-minded as Russia. They like reading stuff about you! Why won't you read about them?
That, and, I'm starving for attention. I want to write some more, and show the less-emo side of me, for anyone who's reading. Unfortunately, the only thing I can think of is the word "fear". So, I'm going for that, instead.
You see, a couple of days ago, when I was talking to a therapist for the first time ever, and explaining some of the things I was afraid of, he kept asking me "are you really afraid of that?" I guess he wasn't sensing that I was terrified at the thought of eating bacon. And I'm not. You see, growing up, I've only ever used the word fear as the emotion I have when I'm in actual danger. So, if I'm standing on a cliff looking down, that's fear. If a person is pointing a loaded gun at my head, that's fear, too. I think I wrote about this before, but I'd like to expand on it a bit.
When I'm "afraid" of going to a party, I don't think that it's a possibility that I will die. I don't think it's a possibility that I will be severely injured; in fact, I probably won't even slightly be injured. What I'm afraid of is being in an uncomfortable situation. I'm afraid of being trapped, and not knowing what to do. I'm afraid of losing friends, or making a fool of myself. I'm afraid of being bored, or confused, or lost. None of these things will kill me. I know that. So, I never thought of it as fear. I simply thought that I didn't want those things to happen, so I shouldn't go to the party.
I never, ever used the word "fear". I wouldn't tell anyone I was afraid, and I honestly didn't think I was afraid. Maybe I wasn't, maybe there's another word for it that I'm unaware of. But I don't want to be misunderstood. I don't want people to think that if they walk up behind me in a dark alley, and wave a piece of bacon in my face, I'll hand over my wallet. I won't. Because that's ridiculous. If someone threatened to shoot my sister if I didn't eat a piece of bacon, I wouldn't be conflicted. That would not be a hard decision to make at all. I've eaten a lot of things that are very gross, and I didn't even gag at all. Bacon is definitely not the worst thing in the whole world to have for breakfast.
Anyway, I only recently began to use the word "fear" when I started learning more about anxiety. Now, I'm a very empathetic girl with a very good imagination. When I was a kid, I went about trying to figure out how to contract diabetes. Or cancer. But I liked diabetes better. When I got older, it was convinced everyone was mad at me all the time. I had no idea why, but I did everything I could to stay out of their way. I loved reading psychology textbooks, and I tried to figure out if I had schizophrenia or not. But I knew that it was stupid to want to have these problems, so I did the best I could not to be wistful. Even now, I'm terrified that I've created my anxiety issues and my OCD tendencies simply out of wishful thinking. Having my therapist (it still feels weird typing that. "My therapist". Weird.) ask me those questions just solidifies that fear. What if I don't have "real" OCD? What if I don't have "real" anxiety? Granted, having anxiety about possibly not having anxiety may render the question moot, but there you have it.
I guess my point is, is that things aren't always what they seem. Maybe you're afraid, and you come up with every reason but the truth not to do what you're afraid of. I know I was always making excuses for myself when I was too afraid to do something. But whenever I stopped and admitted to myself that I was just afraid, and that there was no reason for it at all, it made it a little easier to be brave. This is because there's nothing that delights me more than doing something that scares the crap out of me, and kicking fear in the rear end. Looking over ledges, relocating spiders, auditioning for theater, riding the "Giant Swing" at amusement parks (I nearly peed my pants, holy crap, y'all have to try it), all of these things are scary: they're scary to just about everyone. But in these cases, I know I'm afraid. And I look at fear, and I say "Kiss off, Fear. I do what I want." And it's awesome. It makes me feel brave, like nothing can stop me, like I'm the boss of me, which is an absolutely amazing feeling.
So, when stop and say "Okay, Penny, no excuses, why do I really not want to do this?" if whatever it is, whether it be making a phone call, going to a party, or trying something new for breakfast, if the only reason is that I'm afraid, then I will do it, because I am not a sissy. For real. I kick fear's butt. And I use vulgar words like "butt" when I'm feeling feisty. Which is what I feel like when I'm being awesome by kicking fear's butt.
That's right. Butt.
Penny
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