So, in case you hadn't noticed any of my previous, frantic mentionings of the fact that I am unemployed, I will state it here:
I am unemployed.
This is actually the first time in my life that I have not either been in school or making money, and it's frustrating, to say the least. I've been looking for a job since school let out, months ago, and I was planning on taking some time off of school to work up some savings. But now both of my parents are saying that I need to go back to school in the fall. Which would be fine, I suppose, if they didn't also want me to get a job. It is the end of July now, and many schools start up in August. So who would want to hire me to work for less than a month? I know, I know, I could work and do school at the same time, but that has been unpleasant for me at times, and I don't want to have to deal with working at McDonalds or some store at the mall, AND do school full-time.
My Aspergian mind is stuck. I need to get a job, but I need to go to school. To me, only one is possible, but both are necessary. Society and my family are telling me that I am a failure if I do not do both. But I cannot do both. Every time I try to think about it, my brain comes full stop.
Stop.
I'm trying to find out how to monetize my blog, but I am morally apposed to selling things. Seriously. I worked at a clothing store in the mall once, and every single day, I hated myself for everything people bought. I was a great employee, because, instead of being dismayed when a customer decided not to buy, I was cheerful and energetic. If only my manager knew my twisted little mind. I would have been fired on the spot, if I wasn't so good at folding clothes (my favorite part of the job, after working a cash register, no lie).
Let me back up. From my reading, I've learned that people with Asperger's either feel strongly about a subject, or... feel nothing at all. And that makes perfect sense to me. That's exactly how I've thought and behaved my whole life. Give me a glass of chocolate milk, and you are definitely my friend. Bring up any character in the Marvel universe, and I will talk your ear off. Mention Mexicans, and I will correct you (it's Latino or Hispanic, guys. I mean, really), probably scare you with my knowledge of Latino music, and tell you the nick names that my friends used to call me back at the restaurant (all good things)(I'm pretty sure). Start talking about American Sign Language or Deaf culture, and you will have a hard time shutting me up. Tell me you think that buying another sweater will help the economy, and I will rip you a new one (but I will do so as politely as possible, because I'm nice and I don't like arguments). Ask me about politics, and I will go radio silent until the topic is changed, because I have practically no thoughts or opinions on it, whatsoever. Everything I like, I love. Everything I don't like, I hate. Everything else, I literally feel nothing about it. Okay, sometimes I feel guilty for not feeling anything about it, for instance interests that my friends hold dear. But I don't feeling anything at all about that thing.
Unfortunately, consumerism is something I feel strongly about. Every single customer that walked into our store was (most likely) a teenage girl who already had plenty of clothes, and was just looking for a way to make her feel better about herself. And because she had nothing to do on a Saturday afternoon. I absolutely despise this.
Don't get me wrong: I like clothes, and self expression, and the evolution of style is fascinating to me. But STOP WASTING YOUR MONEY. You do NOT need another shirt. You do NOT need another pair of shoes. You do NOT need to waste your time, energy, and money on something that, honestly, won't actually help you at all. Clothes don't matter. YOU ARE ALREADY BEAUTIFUL. I'm serious. Go read a book, or practice archery, or dance with your girlfriends. ANYTHING is more useful than spending money on clothes you don't need.
Shoot, I forgot where I was going with this entry.
Oh, right: making money. So, I hate asking people for money. I feel guilty getting money for doing things that I like to do. It's like getting paid to breathe. I was already going to do it, and why in the world would you pay me for it? It seems like doing things I like is only benefiting me, so there's no reason to give me more rewards. It just doesn't make sense. But, on the other hand, I don't like to do things that I don't like to do (go figure!) and a lot of times, the money I get for it, just isn't worth it. But I need money. Everybody does. I don't want to live at my parents' house, eating my parents' food, because that is a mark of a failure and someone who doesn't contribute to society. Plus, I don't like having a crowded fridge. So...
I need a job. But I don't want to work retail: I hate trying to get people to buy things they didn't already need, and if they already needed it, they wouldn't need me there to convince them to get it. So, that's out. I don't want to work in a restaurant again: the other employees weren't as sanitary as I am, for one thing, and for another, it was chaotic, unpredictable, and they were constantly changing my schedule. I had to call in, almost every week, in order to find out when I was working (and I HATE making phone calls). Since I am not spontaneous, all of my "fun," "day off" activities had to be planned in advance, but I had no advance notice for my work schedule. So, I just worked. All the time. It was horrible. I remember one day, coming home from work around midnight, completely exhausted and empty, and I just screamed and screamed at the top of my lungs, because you're not allowed to complain when things are hard, and I couldn't do anything else. So, no restaurants.
What else is there? I could start a career, get a desk job somewhere, but they all want someone with experience, an internship, a degree, something. I do have a degree. In Transfer Studies. I don't know if that's quite what they're looking for. And a desk job never appealed to me, anyway.
Granted, I don't have to stay at any of the jobs I pick. I could get something temporary. But I am an Aspie. I have a hard time starting things, and an even harder time stopping them. I deal in absolutes. Either it's a good job for me, or it isn't, and that's the way I see it. It makes it very, very hard to choose places to work. Every option is either equally bad, or equally neutral, so my brain won't choose them. But I've been doing what I can, anyway. I applied to every place I could talk myself into, including some restaurants and retail jobs. But nobody's biting.
Great sob story, right? I mean, I have food and shelter, so I shouldn't be complaining. But I hate having to rely on my parents. They've worked their butts off my whole life, trying to make sure my psychological, physiological, and educational needs are met. Not to mention all the love and support they've offered me over the years. It isn't fair to force them to keep taking care of me. I'm an adult now, and I should be doing adult things, like buying my own lunch, and paying rent.
That said, I've been wrestling over what the least offensive way to make money off my blog would be. The ideal one would be to have a donation button on my page, but I don't know if that's "allowed" or not. The PayPal people say that it's "only for non-profit organizations", and I am neither an organization, nor would I be working for no profit, so I guess that means I shouldn't use it? I am pathologically incapable of breaking rules. That's just who I am.
I've already started to put up links to Amazon.com for anything I mention that I might sell there. They'll give me a percentage if anyone buys through my site, within 24 hours. And I kind of like that. If you didn't have "insert thing here", and I mention "insert thing here", and you realized you were interested in "insert verb here" said "insert thing here", then it might be nice to get a small percentage of the cost. I'm not running around saying "PLEASE COME BUY "insert thing here" AND MAKE ME HAPPY". I'm just offering it.
But that won't really do much, especially if I'm not actually asking you guys to buy stuff. This morning I finally caved and decided to sign up for AdSense, so maybe I could get a few cents a year through that, but for some reason, the website decided not to play nice with me, so that's out (for today, at least). But I really, really want to start making money off of my writing, because then I'll be allowed to keep writing, and I'll really be able to start improving my craft. I have a couple books in the works, and I hope to get them published one day, but my dad won't be happy if I go without a salary until then, and, honestly, neither will I.
So, I'm bidding on freelance writing and editing jobs, which I hope will turn up something. But I'm feeling the pressure coming down, and it does not make me happy, lemme tell you.
I guess the point of this entry is: please don't be mad at me for "selling out", whichever way I end up doing. I'm trying not to hate myself for asking for money, especially because sometimes writing is hard, and you should get paid to do hard things, right? I don't know if AdSense is the best route or not, but I'm gonna try it (if it lets me, that is). You don't have to click on any links, you don't have to fall for anyone's schemes. You CERTAINLY don't have to buy stuff you don't need. But if you do... You'll help a "starving artist" feel a little better about herself.
I know I shouldn't judge, but people buy things way too much. I don't even like the idea of paying for fast food. But on the other hand, I won't feel like a loser, living in her parents' house, if I don't live in my parents' house anymore. Food for thought.
Yay for consumerism.
Penny
No comments:
Post a Comment