So I started ballet today! I wasn't as nervous as I thought I would be, even though I haven't danced in a long time, and I wasn't sure if I should wear all my dance stuff, or if I even knew where all of it was. I just put on my leotard, (and some soft pants, for a compromise) and went. I was pretty chill, which is totally not me. Luckily for me, since it was the first day of class, and Ballet for Beginners, we didn't do any dancing (although we covered our positions in the last five to ten minutes of class). We did the role, making sure that the teacher had something to identify us by (mine was music, because when we were commenting that there was only one boy in the class, I said that I was the only girl in my advanced music class, which started a short discussion about gender roles and the like. Apparently the teacher's girly-looking daughter is in love with welding.)
We went over the syllabus, of course, and then we introduced ourselves. We said our name, any dance experience, and something interesting about us. Somebody said they loved rocks, another person told us how much of a geek she was (she had a Star Trek henna tattoo. I high-fived her. It was an absolute necessity). I decided I wanted to tell them that I was autistic. I know, sometimes it's better not to, because people will get to know you for you, before you start slapping on labels that'll just confuse them. But, I don't know. I've never identified myself as autistic outside of the forums, and I really wanted to. Besides that, mostly what people were saying about themselves were weird and quirky things, things that set them apart from other people, and that make them, them. So I figured it was appropriate. I was really nervous, especially because I was near the end of the line, and I wasn't sure exactly what to say. I didn't want to say "I'm autistic, so I don't like peas, numbers, or people touching me." I also didn't want to say "I'm autistic, so I love music, collecting glass things and containers, and sitting completely still and silent as I obsessively read Harry Potter."
I can't remember now what I said, but basically it was this "Hi, I'm Penny. I'm actually autistic (there were some "Ooooh"s exchanged around the room, mostly of surprise, I think). I found out a couple months ago, so I'm not like, super autistic, but... yeah. It basically means that I love geeking out about things, and I'm kind of weird and quirky." I know, it's really vague, but I kind of lost my nerve about saying anything with specificity, especially because I hadn't really planned out what to say, and I lose my focus when people are looking at me. I'm pretty proud of myself for not blushing or stuttering, like I usually might. And, not that we really had a chance to socialize or anything, but I didn't see anyone giving me weird looks, or avoiding me or anything. I even stayed and talked with Star Trek girl for a while, she was nice, and I didn't get the vibe that she was "being careful of the autistic girl" or something like that. Heck, she may have already forgotten what I said: I know I could barely focus on anything anyone else was saying, because I was so excited and nervous about what I was going to say.
Afterwards, I was thinking about it, and I realized that I really wanted to add this: I'm autistic, which means I have a hard time with people. But working with the arts and performance, has seriously helped me open up to people, and it's changed who I am. I love music, I love dance, even though I haven't been trained much, and I'm so excited to get down to the basics of it. And, since you don't know me, and you might not know any autists, I'll tell you this: you have never met someone who will work as hard, study as hard, or love as hard as I do. This semester is going to change me, and it might change you, too, if you let it.
I already like my teacher. She's quirky (she's the one who says she just LOVES rocks), and she loves diversity. She kept talking about how wonderful it is that we're all so different, that we come from different backgrounds, and we're here for different reasons, but we're all here together, and we all have the same goals. I'm so excited to work with her, and the others. I think if I can have better control over my movements, and better awareness of my body, then I can better communicate using my body, like most neurotypicals do naturally, and maybe even better understand what people are saying to me.
Here goes!
Penny
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