As an Autist, I thrive on routine and sameness. I come to expect that if I do X, Y will happen. If I do A, B will happen. I expect to have a particular result to come of a specific action. But I don't get that. Oh, no, I do not. Example: On Monday, I was trying to be productive, but I couldn't concentrate at home, so I packed up my laptop and camped out at the library. For eight hours. I completed two college applications in one sitting, as well as writing a decent amount for my job.
So I came back on Tuesday. Same thing: I spent eight or so hours, writing and working, and you know what? It worked. I could focus, I got a lot done. I wrote 2,007 words (not including the largest quantities of product descriptions I have done yet). It was spectacular The only problem was that I was really hungry by the end of the day (you don't bring food in a library!) but that was a lot better than what I have been doing (when I spend all day at home, I'm constantly eating. Not really sure why, but because of that, I haven't been hungry in months.) I love the feeling of being starving, and going home to a nice, hearty meal. So, this was another bonus, in disguise.
Wednesday, I wrote even more, creative wise, and I did two more product descriptions than I had the day before. But I was getting tired of the songs I was playing in the background, and I was so freezing cold by the end of the day, that my nose stung from breathing. It took me hours to warm up again.
Thursday, I wrote just over a thousand words. It was pathetic. I did okay work wise, but I wanted to do more. I ended up just wandering around the internet, looking memes again. I ended up going home early, because I just wasn't getting anything good done.
Friday, I didn't even bother going back.
Why, I ask you, didn't it work? If going to the library for six to eight hours gave me a huge boost in productivity for the first couple days, why did it stop working? Maybe for neurotypicals this is a no-brainer, but for me, if I do X, Y is supposed to follow. This isn't the first time this has happened to me. The same thing went for practicing music, socializing with friends, applying for jobs, you name it. I get one result, sometimes in multiple occasions, so I come to expect that same result every time I apply that action. BUT IT DOESN'T HAPPEN.
This is because people, and the universe in general, doesn't follow logic. I know, I know, it's just more complex than I can see, and ultimately everything follows the rules of physics and logic. I mean, if I say one thing to one person, it'll mean something to them, based on genetics and their past experiences. If I say the same thing to another person, it may mean something entirely different, because they have a different set of nature and nurture to interpret things from. So, therefore, the fact that I expect the same reaction from both people, makes me the impractical one. So how in the world is it insane NOT to expect a different result?
When rehearsing a performance piece on the piano, the first day I try it, it's confusing and challenging, but interesting. But by day 52, while I may have improved my performance, I am bored, I hate the piece, and the amount that I improve on the piece decreases exponentially every single day.
I want to have a formula I can use, when I'm writing, working, practicing, socializing, that will work every time. But there is none. Sometimes something I try will only ever work one or two times. Other times, something might work for years, and suddenly break down, with no warning whatsoever. It's not fair, I tell you. Just when you think you've gotten the rules figured out, life just slams it in your face.
It's time to except that people are crazy, the universe is chaos, and just move on. Surprisingly enough, some of my teachers have described me as an easy-going person, with my "que sera, sera" attitude. I'm actually quite the opposite. The times they are describing are often when I've reached my limit, realizing that I cannot handle it if anything else goes wrong, so I choose not to worry about anything anymore. Well, okay, that's a little dramatic. But from performing, and being graded on that performance, I realized that I can either react the way I want to, by trying (and failing) to have every aspect, every particle under my control, and shutting down when that doesn't work, OR, I can take a breath, sing what I know, make up what I don't, pretend like everything I do is on purpose, and laugh when someone points out what I missed.
I need to remember that all the world is a stage, except there are no rehearsals. I want to be a "go with the flow" person, and I'm halfway there. When things go horribly wrong, I'm actually okay. I figure out how to deal with it, and move on. I only very rarely shut down when something bad happens.
Unfortunately, in the anticipation of something going wrong, I forget about that first part. The idea of failing, the idea of something being out of my control or going in a way that I didn't expect, is the worst thing I can describe, and I go through it constantly. I don't know how other people think, but worry is probably the strongest emotion I have (or at least, my most constant companion). I shouldn't be that way. I would rather something bad happen than to worry about something bad happen, because the second one is the worst of the two. But I can't really tell my brain not to worry. I haven't figured that out yet.
I guess, to sum up this somewhat chaotic post, I'll say this: the world is crazy. It's supposed to be that way. Don't worry when things don't make sense (they rarely do). Bad things happen, but they're rarely as bad as we imagine them, so take a breath and deal with it when it comes. No use destroying yourself over something that might never actually exist.
Man, I almost forgot about that movie. That is a really, really powerful quote to me, in my life, right now, and probably forever.
"Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity. Do not misunderstand me: danger is very real. But fear is a choice."
I guess, then, that there are two kinds of insanity.
There is the insanity surrounding you, which you have no way to control, and will drive you mad to try to do so.
And then there is the insanity inside yourself, which is you, making you miserable, for absolutely no good reason.
To conclude:
Don't be crazy.
And...
This song.
Zen, huh?
Penny
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