Penny Pre-Op

Today, I'm going to document an interesting experience.  You see, this afternoon, I'm going to have my wisdom teeth removed.

I've never had any kind of surgery before, so I don't really know what to expect (although I did have one of my baby teeth pulled, and I don't think they gave me enough laughing gas, because I didn't feel any different, maybe a little tingly, but certainly not euphoric.  I felt the needle, and when they pulled out my tooth.).  I am considering blogging about my experience right after, so I won't forget, and you'll get to see me all loopy on pain meds (but we'll see about that).  Right after typing this sentence, my mom said to me "and make sure you don't write anything, or at least send anything out to the world when you're on that medication!"  How does she know me so well?

I will tell you about my day so far, though.  You see, before anything big or knew, I've have various (very strong) reactions.  I get anxiety pretty easily, so even after one day off, I get tense and anxious about going back to school.  But surgery?  That's a lot worse than school.  And I've never had it before (and the dentist didn't tell me what to expect), so I should be absolutely paralyzed with fear.

But I'm not.  I actually don't feel anything (except a little hungry.  I can't eat for 6-8 hours before the operation, so I had to get up 3-4 hours earlier than I'm used to).  After I had breakfast, I've spent the past 3 1/2 hours cleaning, because I don't want to feel guilty about not helping with chores or anything after my surgery, and because I seriously have nothing to do.  I could read my book, or watch TV, or play my new game (I found my favorite game on gog.com, which I haven't been able to play in a decade because our disc got scratched up and then we upgraded our computers.  I've been geeking out since Thursday, when I bought it), or draw some stuff (my mother, who is my FAVORITE PERSON ON THE PLANET, bought me a really nice drawing tablet for my computer.  Quote: I've been GEEKING OUT since Thursday, when it showed up in the mail).  But all of these things involve me sitting still, which I will be required to do for the rest of the day (and tomorrow, too).  I'll have all the time I could possibly want to do chill, relaxed things.  So I need to be moving around.

So, I did laundry.  A lot of laundry.  And the dishes.  And the dining room.  And on and on and on.  I really should be feeling nervous or anxious or SOMETHING right about now, but I don't.  Although...

I've noticed in my reading that Autist's feelings are often... "off".  We get strong emotional reactions to what NeuroTypical people don't, and, we often get the wrong emotion, or no emotion at all, to things that they normally do.  When we do have emotions, we have a harder time understanding them, as well, so we usually end up confused and upset because we're feeling something, but we don't know what it is, and we don't even know if it's the right feeling (which is kind of ridiculous, because really, there's not really a "right" or "wrong" when it comes to feelings.  But we don't really think that way.)  John Robison talks about this in his book Be Different.  He says there was a time when he was in a horrible car crash, when most people would be freaking out and unable to do things, he felt nothing.  He just got out of the car, made sure he and his buddy were in one piece, then went and helped the people in the other vehicle.  He wasn't scared or angry or disturbed by the gore.  He just did what he had to.  I haven't had any dramatic experiences like that, where I was in danger and I didn't "feel" like it, so I can't say how I would be in a situation like that.  But it's food for thought.  Our feelings are confusing, and they sometimes get in our way (like when we get overstimulated and either meltdown, or shut down, like I usually do).  But other times, they are conveniently absent, letting us do whatever we need to in a tough situation, where other people would have problems.

Like getting your laundry done, apparently.  Well, I'm going to go check out a few things from the library, and then continue to kill time until my surgery.  I'll probably start freaking out right before it, like I normally do.  Sometimes when I have a speech or performance, I'm not nervous at all for the days or weeks leading up to it.  Only when I'm about to get on stage, to I start shaking and forgetting my lines, and all that fun stuff.

It's kind of funny, actually.  All day today and yesterday, my recurring thoughts have been like this: "I've never had anesthesia before.  Some people are allergic: I might be.  Theoretically, I could die.  This could be my last day on the planet.  I'm thirsty.  I wonder what's for dinner."  I'm not afraid of death.  I haven't been for years.  I am afraid of dying.  But dying under anesthesia has to be the most painless way to go (I'm not going to google it and psych myself out)--I won't even be awake for it.  So, in case I never blog again, you'll know what happened to me.

I'm so weird.  I'm still not scared.  I guess that's a good thing?  Hmm.  

This is a fascinating experience.  I'll keep good notes.

Penny