I randomly feel like telling you about my day, mainly to show you some of my "quirkiness". You see, every morning, I am approached with a dilemma: do I shower first, or do I eat first? I used to shower first, and then eat breakfast in the car on the way to school, but now that school's out for the summer, I've started eating first. This is because, a long time ago I realized that whenever I was hungry, I got pretty mean. I didn't usually act out my meanness, because I'm pretty good at bottling it up, but it's all in my head, and I don't like being mean and nasty in or out of my head. Plus, particularly in the morning, some of that nastiness can shake loose before I quietly take it to the back yard in my brain, and shoot it. After I've eaten, I feel pretty sheepish, and if you go through enough mornings like this, you'll shove the first thing you see into your mouth, before you so much as say "good morning" to anyone who may be nearby.
But I hate being in pajamas. It's fine when you're in bed, asleep, but soon after I've woken up, I feel sweaty and dirty and out of place. I'm not wearing a bra (and it feels like I'm walking around naked, which, granted, some people actually like doing that, but I'm extremely uncomfortable if anyone sees me doing this), and my hair is putting on a spectacular display. I don't care so much that other people see me like this (everybody knows you look terrible first thing in the morning), just that I feel like this. It makes me actually feel sick. I can't understand the girls that can go a day or more without showering--I feel disgusting. More than that, I feel off, like I woke up in the wrong body. The longer I go like this, the crankier I feel, until it doesn't matter I had breakfast, I still want to punch somebody, and maybe that somebody is me.
So, to put it short, I can't deal with the world, until I've had breakfast and a shower. I know, you're probably saying "big deal, just get it done quick, and you'll be all set to go." But for some reason, nothing is ever simple in my brain. This morning for example. I overslept, yet again, but I had a really cool dream I wanted to write down, so I spent a half an hour typing it out. When I was done, since I had my computer up, I wandered on to facebook (I really should delete my account. I could have cured cancer by now.). Then I realized it was noon, and I was still in my pajamas, and I still hadn't eaten yet. I actually wasn't even feeling all that hungry, but I'm not going to risk it, so I figured I should eat first, even though I was already starting to feel yucky. I fixed up my breakfast, laid out my book, and was lost to the world for another half an hour (yesterday I started reading The Help, and it has sucked me in. I haven't been getting any work done at all.).
When I finished my breakfast, I knew I should take a shower, but I was right in the middle of a chapter, so I settled on the couch to read some more. Every once in a while, I would remember where I was, and noticed how disgusting I felt, and how it was now nearly one in the afternoon, and I still hadn't showered, but I just wanted to read just a little bit more, and then I would shower, I promise.
Then I heard the shower turn on. My big sister had gotten the same idea as me, only she actually acted on it.
Quick tangent. I've decided to save myself a little typing, to rename my siblings as such: my eldest sibling is Unit A, my second eldest sibling is Unit B, there's me (but I don't need to refer to myself as Unit C), and then comes Unit D. I think that'll help make things a little clearer.
Anyway, though we've stopped talking about it years ago, Unit A takes the longest showers in the house. She's shortened them quite a lot over the years (she does not take hour long showers anymore), but she still takes a while, so I groaned. I wanted to go get mad at her, since I was "just about to get in" (only, not really), so I just waited. And waited. Suddenly I couldn't concentrate on my reading, because it's getting later in the day, and I need to be productive, and I'm still in my pajamas, and there's no point in changing my clothes because I need to shower first anyway, and I'll get in right after her. I decided maybe I should take a break from reading, and do something "productive", like doing my freelance writing, or cleaning my room, but I can't concentrate on doing anything good when I feel so yucky, and Unit A is still in the shower. I decided to load the dishwasher, but I couldn't run it with Unit A in there, so I just put the soap in and waited. I wandered around on the internet, feeling more and more like a failure at life, because useful members of society don't stay in their pajamas until one thirty in the afternoon, and there is sweat in my arm pits for HEAVEN's sake, and Unit A is STILL IN THE SHOWER.
That's when I put some deodorant on to make me feel more like a person, and started writing this, even though there's not really any point to it, just that maybe this is an example of cognitive dissonance? I mean, every morning, I'm faced with this dilemma. I usually do the same thing over and over again, because trying to sit down and weigh out the pros and cons of each possible course of action is just too exhausting.
I know that a lot of people hate mornings, but here's the thing: I don't. I don't mind waking up (although I do like to sleep). I don't mind making breakfast (I actually like cooking). I certainly don't mind showering (seriously, it's like my morning meditation). And after all that, the earlier I've finished, the more productive I am, and the better I feel. I remember back when I was staying up until five in the morning, and waking up at two. I felt so sick, every single day. I hate being a night owl. But for some reason, it's a struggle every morning.
To add to this, once Unit A got out of the shower, I was so caught up in writing this, I didn't want to stop, which extended the struggle. I kept writing for a while, even, until my mom started trying to talk to me about something, and I realized that nasty was about to surface again, so I put down the computer and got in. I just wish I had a good way to deal with my mornings (and to actually do it in the morning, not just finishing up at two in the afternoon like I did today), away from people, and in an order that works best. If I eat breakfast first, I feel gross and yucky for an extended period of time. If I shower first, I feel nasty and cranky for an extended period of time.
Maybe it's time to have breakfast in bath.
Penny
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